Too Far Gone
by Mariah R Shaltry
Summary: When Edward leaves Bella, and Jacob isn't there to help her, what happens? What if she takes drastic measures just to sieze the blinding pain in her heart? Read to find out, and I must warn you, it gets pretty sad...
1. The Beginning of an End

I woke up in a daze. I stared at the ceiling, I couldn't move. I couldn't believe I was still alive, and had been for the last week. Had it been a week? So long since he had gone. So long. I turned my head to stare into the mirror that hung across the room. Who was that? It wasn't anyone I recognized, or, for that matter, cared to recognize. My eyes barely opened, my hair hadn't been washed, my clothes unchanged. Charlie was probably downstairs right then, wondering if I was still alive himself.

I couldn't feel anymore. I had only gotten up when Charlie had forced me, and then made me eat. I didn't want to, it made me want to hurl. Everything reminded me of him. Everything made me want to scream my lungs out until someone put me out of my misery. I laughed sickly at my own down turned humor. But I didn't smile. I couldn't remember what a smile felt like.

I knew he would make me go back to school soon. Charlie and his fatherly ways. He didn't quite understand the importance of what had happened. He had no idea what a pile of nothing my whole existence seemed to be. I could tell what he was thinking, how little he knew of what we had had. But I wouldn't blame him for it. Somehow, I would stand, I would walk and go to school just as before.

There would just be one missing piece.

I got up, dragging my feet across the cold floor, and walked down the stairs. My father seemed surprised to see me out of bed, though it was already well past noon.

"Hey honey," His grin just made my urge to hit something stronger, "You know uh, Bells, tomorrow's Monday…" he trailed off and I interrupted his meaningless banter.

"Yes Dad, school tomorrow I know," I tried to sound annoyed by his comments, maybe even a little angry, but I just couldn't. Emotions eluded me. I couldn't convince anyone of them. Not that there had been anyone to convince. I hadn't been outside the house at all during that long, dismal week.

Mechanically, I ate breakfast, the sight of the cereal bowl tearing at my insides. I folded my arms across my chest, but the pressure didn't ease the pain. I couldn't even hold myself together. And I couldn't figure out why my whole body was still in one piece. It didn't seem like it should be.

That night I took a shower, and after going through the motions of personal hygiene I was completely wiped out. I laid in my bed, right back to my warm comforter. I pulled the pillow up to my nose. He may have taken the pictures, and the CD, but not the smell that, though it was fading, still clung to that pillow, where he rested his head every night, right next to my own.

The tears poured out easily now, burning my already raw cheeks, soaking my clothes and hair. Soon I had cried myself to sleep, and there were no dreams. The silence was so loud now, and my sleep restless. It was going to be a long night.

When I awoke to a sunny morning, disappointment shot through me. It was without good reason though, now that the sun wouldn't cause any changes in my already miserable day ahead. It used to. I wished it would, I wished that, like before, just the sun being out would change my entire outlook on…everything. I sat up and looked out at the blue sky. The sparkling dew that still hung on the window. I sighed, a heavy, sad sigh.

Then I went through the motions, to make myself look presentable. I didn't honestly care about what people thought of my appearance. I wasn't out to impress anyone. Not now, not anymore. Finally I was ready, and I walked past Charlie who was heading off to work.

"G'morning Bells!" He said, all chipper and wide eyed.

"Hngph," I mumbled a greeting that sounded more like I was about to be sick. I walked out the door and morbidly sunk into the seat of my old Chevy. I remembered when I first got that truck, I remembered the first day I drove that truck. But I shook my head, clearing away memories that didn't need to be brought back from the dead.

I stuck the key in the ignition and headed to school. The familiar atmosphere was too much to bear. I had gotten used to not seeing that familiar face pop through my window every night, but school was another story. It was too strange, too strange to go through my day, doing school work and being mindlessly followed by Mike Newton. Several people said few words to me that first day back.

Most said "Welcome back Bella, it's nice to see you again." When Lauren said it it sounded a little on the sarcastic side, but I was too preoccupied to notice.

When I saw Angela at lunch she sat next to me. Angela was someone that didn't need talking, and as I needed a good bit of quiet, I went on eating my lunch there with her. Angela looked up several times, her face showing mostly concern, but also a little curiosity. I decided to divulge on the subject. I knew that Angela was too polite to ever ask, but I also knew that if I were to tell anyone it would be Angela.

"They're gone," I said, foreseeing my friends unspoken question.

Angela only nodded and looked at me. But then she did something unexpected. She patted my hand and gave me a timid smile. It was a small gesture, but it made my day just that much less cheerless.

For the rest of the day I avoided my usual routes to classes, and hung around Angela every chance I got. By the time I went home, I was completely exhausted.

I never thought it would take that much energy just to exist. I sighed, something I had been doing a lot as of late, and walked into the front door. Charlie was about to say something to me but decided not to after seeing the look on my face. I went up to my desk and did my homework without really thinking about it. As soon as I could, I collapsed into bed and inhaled the scent on my pillow. It was almost completely faded, but the memories wouldn't go away, as much as they hurt. My head was spinning and all the familiar feelings of emptiness filled my aching lungs and heart.

If I had ever in my life felt pain. This was it. This was the ripping at my chest and the throbbing in my stomach. I wished I could make it stop. Wished I would heal, though I knew I never would.

Four months had gone by, it's spring break, I didn't see much difference in the days that had gone by and the days I'd have off to reflect upon life. What life? What am I talking about? My life up and left me four months ago, and all I've been doing since then was trying to keep everyone else happy. Well I can't. No one has tried to make me happy, though I know it would never work, so why should I try to content them.

I couldn't anymore. So I decided on going to see a friend of mine.

Okay, so he's not really my friend, but everyone knows who he is, and even as a perpetually high idiot he has a wonderfully sound motto. Live Life Mindlessly. Though it's through drugs, I couldn't really care less how he does it, but rather WHY he does. Because honestly, if my mind and heart would just stop coinciding, I would be a much happier person.

So I went to see Aidan. As I drove along the streets of Forks I looked back on the days I spent, happily traipsing along underneath constant cloud cover. I stopped remembering before those happy memories ended, but was lost in reverie still as I drove up to Aidan's house. His parents were gone, probably on a business trip to Cancun or something, but the lights were all on and I could imagine already Aidan and his druggie friends sitting around the bong talking about singing paint samples or something of equal fascination.

I took a deep breath and rung his doorbell, half hoping he wasn't actually home. But he was, and he opened the door with a dopey (pardon the pun) smile on his face.

"Isabella Swan," He shook his head, "I was wondering when I'd be seeing you here."

I nodded solemnly to him as I entered the door and stepped into a whole other universe. One where I didn't have to think, as much or at all, about anything, or, more specifically anyone.


	2. A Supposed Demise

**_W_**eeks, maybe even months, went by, slower, and then fast at times. Then days blurred together, and the nights seemed much longer than they should've. Charlie was worried, and I knew I couldn't keep evading his questioning glares.

My friends were worried too, because I wasn't acting like myself. As if they knew who I really was. For some reason I just didn't care though. As if everything that had hurt me before was just a distant memory I was now beginning to live how I had wanted to right after Edward left.

I was living in a fog. I was living as though I could get through my days without the gaping wounds. They were just scars now. But I knew that if, even for a moment, I let my guard down, it would come crashing back down with more force than it had the very first time.

Aidan Falconer was my new best friend. I was with him and his friends constantly, and it took no effort at all. It wasn't hard anymore to fit in or start conversation. We talked about interesting things like Kentucky, and how the grass there is blue.

And as wrong as it sounds, we were high, all the time. Drugs became my refuge, my solace. I was weak, my mind and body were just barely hanging on, but I didn't realize that. Because it felt almost good to feel nothing at all. To be numb but not notice it. To have an irrationally good feeling all the time.

The repercussions didn't seem all that bad at first. No appetite, no strength, being lazy, sitting around. I was enjoying myself. Even at night, when I had delusions, when I saw things that, under any other circumstances, probably would've killed me.

One particular night, the sky was clear, and the stars shone brightly through my open window. After I began hanging out with Aidan I had taken to sitting next to the window sill, hoping to delude myself into seeing what I wanted to see. That was the first night I did though.

I didn't know how long it had been. I didn't know what day of the week, or even what time it was. But I sat there patiently, eyes closed, facing the open window that let a light breeze travel across my skin. I shivered, and the howling wind carried a voice through my room. I recognized it right away.

"Bella," I heard it say, the sweet honey tone of his voice drifting through my curtains and through my hair, that I hadn't washed in only God knows how long. "Bella,"

That's all he said that first night, and I don't think I opened my eyes until the next morning. Which turned out to be quite an eventful one.

When I woke up shivering I slammed my window shut and hurriedly took a shower. I needed to get to Aidan's house, and fast. His parents were always away on some trip, so we always had his house to ourselves. Usually his friends were out being stupid and it was just me and him sitting on his living room rug. Today though, Aidan was excited about something.

When I got to his house he shoved a joint in my face, and I smiled, happily taking it from his hands and shoving it into my mouth. He lit it, and I inhaled deeply.

"Guess what I bought!" He shouted. I just stared at him, waiting, because I knew he didn't honestly want me to guess. Finally he just led me to the garage and uncovered two huge motorcycles. I squealed with joy, for absolutely no reason. I had never ridden a motorcycle, nor had I had the desire to. But since I started hanging out with Aidan, everything was an adventure. Nothing impossible.

He hopped on, throwing a helmet onto his head, and gestured for me to do the same. So without a rational thought I threw my homemade weed joint onto the cement floor and jumped on. I watched as Aidan fiddled with the buttons on the shiny contraption, but finally he took off out of the garage, and I followed his lead.

We started slow, and I was doing okay, but it helped that Forks was not a town known for its traffic. We rode up the hills and through the wooded roads, going faster and faster, recklessness. The word rang in my ears, and it was satisfying. Promises were meant to be broken, and that's what I had learned.

Now, if I were any less inept than I am, that day could've gone quite differently, but as it turns out, I am extremely hopeless and therefore suck at riding a motorcycle. That's when I realized that I didn't know how to stop, which was when I realized I would fall off eventually, which is when I jumped.

Of course I didn't take into account the Cullen's' abnormal skills when I started all this, and that didn't change when I jumped from a motorcycle that was going 70 miles per hour.

The Cullen's had become a distant piece of me. They were just a part of my background, a part of my once-life. I didn't think about them, because even when I was on heavy amounts of illegal substances, it wasn't the most joyful thing to think about. But as I jumped, there was only one thing I saw, and it was his face, the only face I ever wanted to see, and then there was nothing.

In those moments, the ones that I believed were between life and death, the ones that seemed to hang in the air as I hit the ground with enough force to rattle my teeth, I could see him so clearly in my mind that I actually smiled.

His eyes were downcast, not entirely happy, but it was him, and I saw him so clearly that I couldn't help but be happy. Especially since, if I were to die, that's the last thing I would see. And I was sure I was heading toward death. What else could that blank space be? The blackness that engulfed me was oddly calming, and though I could feel the pain of the cement hitting my skin, and scraping down my side, the face that I saw was more beatific than I could remember.

He looked like he was angry with me, though I didn't see why he should be. His voice echoed through my head, like wind chimes, calling me to him. I reached out for him, and no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't get there. So I stopped trying and just stared, I just looked, and I saw. It was Edward, the one who showed me the most beautiful life, and then took it away.

Edward. Whose face faded away, as I slipped into unconsciousness.


	3. Crash

**HELLO readers!**

so this is my first fan fiction on this site, haha, but I think it's turning out pretty good. Well, it's sad, but I think it's okay. Reviews are welcome as always and I thank those of you who are reading. Here's chapter three, and it's moving kinda fast, but it will slow down soon. EnjoY! :D

When I woke up, the face seemed to be burned into my retinas. I couldn't tell if I was dead or alive, but like that night in the ballet studio, heaven and hell were indecipherable. The pain I felt coursing through me seemed to drag on as I stared at his perfect, worried face. I could hear yelling, sobbing, pleading in the background. But he didn't seem to hear it.

Of course in the back of my mind I knew that was only because he was an illusion, something brought on by hallucinogens and the high of breaking an unbreakable promise. I had no concept of time anymore, or of the people or things around me. No concept of life, really. But it was nice to pretend, if even for a moment, that the face I could bring to my mind so easily now was real. Nice to pretend that he cared.

I felt a smile touch my lips, but my illusion seemed confused. I wanted to say something, but my words seemed caught in my throat. I opened my eyes, cautiously, afraid my vision might disappear.

But it stayed, even as people ran ramped around him, not paying any attention to us. I could see we were in a hospital room, because I recognized them so easily, but all of my attention was on the imagined figure before me. I didn't hear him as he mouthed my name, but I had heard him say it so many times that I knew the form his lips took when he did.

I tried to move, or to say something, but all that came out of my mouth was a pathetic whimper. I could feel the drugs wearing off. How long had I been there? No. The drugs weren't just wearing off, they were out of my system completely. The time it took me to realize that was all the time it needed. Severe pain shot through my sides.

Aidan had told me about this, and as I grimaced and clutched my stomach, I tried to remember what it was. As the beautiful form in front of me began to look worried, and focused, I remembered the word for it.

"Withdrawal." I didn't mean to say it out loud, but after trying to talk to him I guess it just happened. He looked even more confused, for a minute, but then realization came over his face.

Shock, disgust, sadness, all easily noticed in his expression. Of course this only confirmed what I already knew. The Edward that sat with me was not real, because the real Edward was never, ever easy to read.

Then it crashed, like I so dreaded it would. Without the consistent high to hold me up I was falling. Tears fell down my face as I tried to hold myself in one piece, but my arms alone just weren't doing it. More people crowded around my bed, not paying attention to the person I thought only I could see.

And then, just like when I hit the ground before that, everything went black, and all that I saw was his fading face.

I woke up again, in that same room, but his face had gone. The pain had subsided for the time being, but I knew it would come back soon enough. When I saw Aidan walk into the room I didn't say anything, because I still couldn't, but I was grateful when I saw a bag in his hands.

"Bella, why the hell did you jump off the damn motorcycle?!" I scowled at him. He was laughing soon enough though. "Here, I brought you this, you've been in here for almost a week already." I couldn't imagine being asleep that long. Maybe they had me on sedatives.

He pulled a syringe, the one with my name on it, from the bag and tied a tourniquet around my arm. He looked around cautiously, making sure no one would walk in and find him.

As he was putting the needle into my skin I found my voice. "Aidan," it was raspy and quiet, but he heard me. "Someone's going to notice."

He capped the syringe and put it back in the bag, "what and they wouldn't if you were going through withdrawals? Believe me Bella, it keeps getting worse, it gets bad enough to kill you. I know you've already felt some of it, but that's not even the tip of the iceberg." He looked around and then smiled and gave me a wave. "Call me when you get out!" and then he was gone.

My veins seem to pulsate with the drug. I heard the heart monitor pick up, and then slow to a crawl. My pupils would soon dilate almost to the point that it would make my eyes entirely black. But it seemed to be night time, the room was dark, and only dim light shone through the halls.

I waited, wanting my hallucination to return. Soon enough, he did. It Didn't hurt this time, because the drugs were too powerful to let me care about anything.

"Bella," His sweet voice swept me away. I looked up at his dark figure, unreal as it was, and smiled. But he did not look happy. He looked angry, sad, desperate. It was almost hard to believe I could imagine a look so pained. "Bella, why? Why did you break your promise?" I imagined his hand against my cheek, cold as stone, but the most comforting thing in the world. He felt so real.

"You broke your promise," I whispered. I didn't know why I was reasoning with a hallucination though. "And it doesn't matter because you aren't real, and the real Edward is never coming back for me." I felt a tear escape my eyelid and wondered why I was feeling so sad, why the drugs weren't working like they were supposed to. I guessed that, some things, just couldn't be covered up. The feelings were there, and would be forever, no matter how hard I tried to bury them.

"But I'm here," He said. He looked like he could cry, if vampires were able to. I stared at his face, longing to believe his words.

"No, you're not, and if I keep telling myself you're coming back it's only going to hurt more when you don't!" More tears fell. I couldn't control it.

"Bella look at me, touch me, I'm real. It's me!" He took my face between his hands gently and pulled himself closer, pleading.

I felt like I could drown in my own tears. Why was I hurting so much? Why was I imagining such torture?

"Stop saying that," I sobbed, "It hurts," I clutched my chest, but I felt again like I was falling apart. "I can't-"

He leaned over next to me and took me in his arms. The reassurance I felt with him was only making it hurt even more. I couldn't stop sobbing. He just held me tighter, making me cry harder.

Why was it so real? Was I dreaming? Why wasn't he going away? No hallucination I had before had lasted this long or seemed this real.

"How can I convince you?" He whispered. I didn't answer. I just let him hold me, as I fought with myself, trying to make it stop hurting so much.


	4. Convince Me Please

Hello!! yes! I have gotten THREE REVIEWS!! how exciting! thanks to amobutterfly25, YourImpendingDemise123, and VeggieGurl896 for my first three reviews! Woot! I really like your comments, and consructive criticism is ALWAYS welcome. Also, everyone who is reading and not reviewing, thanks so much for reading! I hope you like it so far! Here's another chapter...WARNING: emotional, watch out

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**Chapter 4**

When I woke up, a bright light was trying to get in through my eyelids. I had no idea how long I had been out, but the chill of Edward's-or at least my imagined Edward's-arms around me was gone. I hadn't expected him to still be there, it was just wishful thinking, but I couldn't help but feel a wave of disappointment.

I soon heard voices, arguing for some reason or another. I recognized them, though there were way too many to pick out who was who. They were hushed, as if trying not to wake someone up. It took me a while to realize that someone was me. But I didn't want to open my eyes.

First off, it was because I was afraid of what I would, or rather, wouldn't, see. Secondly, I was afraid of the wrath that was Charlie in Dad Mode, and third, the room was much too bright for my taste. My brain slowly worked on it though, and my curiosity got the best of me, my eyelids gradually opening.

At first I didn't think I had fully woke up, or that my eyesight was entirely normal. The first face I was Charlie's, his stern expression turned away from me toward the group of people. The second face I saw, surprising as it was, was Doctor Cullen. Carlisle? I blinked a couple times, and my sleep ridden eyes began to adjust better.

One by one, the Cullens all came into view. One by one, shocking me with a force that acted like a blow to the face. I think I stopped breathing, but soon enough I realized that these weren't hallucinations. They couldn't be, because Charlie was staring right at them, albeit angrily. But they were there, Esme, Alice, Emmett, Jasper, even Rosalie. And as soon as I heard myself gasp, in delight, surprise, realization. They heard me too, and all turned to look at once.

Faster than I could've dreamed Edward was next to me, his face only inches from mine, his hands on either side of my face.

"See?" He asked me. I nodded, feeling the tears that spilt over and were already covering my face and hair. I forgot for the moment the arguing I had heard, but I remembered as soon as Charlie coughed and we all turned to look at him. Edward kept his hand intertwined in mine as he stood up, and helped me get into a sitting position even as I cried.

"Dad, please," I begged him, already knowing what was on his mind. My tears didn't stop, and I knew that my father would let it go for now. He nodded, and followed the rest of the Cullens out of the room.

When they were all out of site, Edward's face was so close to mine I could feel his cool breath mix with my own. My eyes were still surging with salty tears. They were both happy, and sad, because as happy as I was that he was there, I knew it couldn't be for long, because he didn't feel the same anymore. And I still did. So much so that he couldn't be with me.

The thought made me cry harder, jagged sobs ripping through my chest.

"Bella? Bella calm down," He kissed my forehead and I melted. But my weeping didn't cease. It grew in intensity, and I didn't calm down at all. But as I was crying, I clenched my teeth and looked him in the eye.

"You're making it so much worse," I said, my voice cracking, quiet, barely even audible. He looked confused.

"What? What am I making worse?"

"It hurts to know you don't want me anymore, but what hurts more is you being here to remind me of that!" The level of my voice grew as I realized more truth in what I already knew.

"Bella, what are you talking about?" I knew what I was talking about, but he didn't understand. Because nothing I had said made much sense. The irrational anger in me had taken over my words, and my actions. I hit him as hard as I could with my balled up fist, which wasn't very hard because I was so weak from painkillers.

"Stop it!" I yelled "Just stop it from hurting!" He grabbed my wrists, to stop me from hurting myself, and looked me straight on. I couldn't even think of looking away, so I just sat there and looked at him through watery eyes. His face was horrified. He looked like he was in as much pain as I felt. His breathing was hard, as if he were crying without tears. Agony was plain in his features, and I had never seen so much distress behind his eyes.

"How can you believe such a lie?" He asked. I was confused, but he kept on. "How could you believe for one second that I don't want you? Bella I _need_ you. I love you. I want you every day for the rest of forever. I want to make it stop hurting, just tell me what I need to do and I'll do it!"

I stopped breathing for the second time that day. Only this time it wasn't because I was shocked or excited. No. I was scared.

"Edward-" My voice shook so bad I could barely understand my own words.

"Bella," He interrupted, his face growing closer to mine, "I thought it was what was best for you. I had no idea you would be so…" he was at a loss for a words. I took his hands off of mine, and held them tightly.

"Broken?" I asked. He nodded, and then he wrapped his arms around me, heaving as if sobbing just as hard as I was before. Sobbing without tears. I moved over, and he climbed onto the small hospital bed, where he calmed himself down, but did not let go of me.

I waited, waited for him to talk, and pulled my arms around him tightly, reassuring him that I understood, even though I didn't yet. He drew in a long breath.

"I thought," He said, "that without me, you would be safer. I thought that you would forget about me, and go on and live your life as if I didn't exist. I knew you wouldn't agree with me so I had to lie to you, and Bella, that was the single hardest thing I have ever had to do. When Alice saw you hanging out with that Aidan kid, I…" He took a deep breath and tried at keeping his composure, and then continued, "I couldn't let you hurt yourself like that."

"But why did you care what I did after you were gone?" I asked, looking up at him, I knew he could see all the doubt I still had.

"Bella were you not listening?" He touched the side of my face with his cold hand and pulled me as close as possible. Every plain of my body seemed to fit to his perfectly. Like a puzzle, that had taken much too long to solve. Edward's voice was a whisper now, "So many times I've told you I love you, and all it takes is one lie to make you stop believing that?"

"Edward, it was never even logical that you love me in the first place." I stated the obvious.

"How can I make you believe me?" He asked, "I have only ever felt this way around you, and it's the most amazing feeling in the world. Nothing could _ever _make me stop loving you. But I know I hurt you and I will never stop trying to make up for that."

"It still hurts," I whispered, "I know you only wanted the best for me, but, I felt like I was dead." I knew my words ran together, and my sentences weren't fully cohesive. But Edward understood.

"I know, and if I could ever do anything to make that pain go away I would in a heart beat. I'll leave, I'll disappear…I'll do anything." I sniffled, and pressed my face into his chest. I knew the question I wanted to ask him. It was the question that had been burning the inside of my throat since I realized he was really there. So I looked up and met his attentive gaze, and I asked him.

"Will you stay?"


End file.
